TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care.
HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.
"I think I have it all straight in my mind as to how I'll be able to cheat on her without her catching me." "I have to take the whole thing slow, though," Diehl added.
RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.
SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.
"I'm through with wallowing in my own misery." Diehl credits his male friends with providing the support he needed to motivate himself to get out and date again. "I was feeling like I had nothing to offer a woman, being married and all.
But my friends encouraged me to ditch the negative attitude.
MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at.
AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor.DUBLIN, CA—Describing the flood of childhood memories he had experienced upon arriving home Thursday afternoon, local 30-year-old Ryan Frost told reporters he was excited to spend the upcoming weekend catching up with some of his old video games from high school.APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.I'd love to spend my lunch hour in a hotel room with all of them," Diehl said. But I'm more mature now, and I have some experience under my belt. The best course of action is to take this thing one mistress at a time." Diehl said his wife, whom he "will always love with all [his] heart," will be in his thoughts as he ventures out into the dating world.